Starting the Conversation

Immediately after the film, you may want to give people a few quiet moments to reflect on what they have seen or pose a general question (examples below) and give people some time to jot down or think about their answers before opening the discussion:

• If you were going to tell a friend about this film, what would you say?
• Describe a moment or scene in the film that you found particularly striking or moving. What was it about that scene that was especially compelling for you?
• If you could ask anyone in the film a single question, whom would you ask and what would you want to know?
• Did anything in the film surprise you? Was anything familiar? What was familiar?

Love and Marriage

In what ways does About Love offer insight into what love looks like in everyday practice? In what ways does this film inspire you to think about love in different, or more dynamic, ways?

How are popular representations of love mythological and what impact do these romanticized ideas of love have on society? How do the relationships in About Love more accurately reflect and expose love in a more realistic sense? What is beautiful about the love reflected in this film? What is difficult to accept about the love and relationships that are reflected in this film?

How would you describe the relationship between Madhave and Neela (the grandparents)? How about the relationship between Atul and Maneesha (the parents)?

Rohan asks his sister “So why don't you want to get married?” She answers, “What will I achieve with marriage?...She has a long time boyfriend but says, “I love me more than I love outsiders.” When he suggests marriage could be fun, she answers, “Maybe, but it's not going to be fun for me…I don't want to become like Mom.” What do you think she means? What is it that she is resisting?

Atul insists that Maneesha never listens to him. She also feels unheard by him. Are they experiencing the same thing? What’s the difference between “listening” and agreement? How about between listening and obedience? Or respect?

Maneesha says that Atul sometimes gets mad over silly things. She remarks, “I behave like I can't use my brain when I'm around him” and complies to prevent him from getting angry. She explains, “He has an ego problem.” How do individual personality traits intersect with cultural expectations that suggest men are meant to be in command of their households? In what ways do the women in this film resist the expectation that they are supposed to obey men? In your view, why do such cultural messages about gender roles persist?

In the history of humanity, marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. What did you learn from the film about the long-term benefits and drawbacks of using romantic love as the foundation of a marriage?

Parents played a significant role in selecting marriage partners for the older generations of Phadkes. Maneesha adds, “When you live in the same colony, neighbors and friends know more about who you like than yourself.” What role do parents, friends or extended family play in your relationships? How does their actual role compare to what you think it should be?

The Phadkes are Hindu. It was important to Atul’s father that Atul not marry a Christian. Atul’s own son is marrying a Sikh. Why do you think there is a desire to marry within common faith-based communities? What are some potential benefits of people from different religious traditions or ethnic communities getting married? From where do you think the arguments against such marriages are rooted?

Neela says she agreed to marry Madhave because, “He was good looking and it seemed like he had good manners…I was conned by his fair complexion.” How were these things reflective of her culture and economic circumstance? Why would a “fair complexion” have been important to her? In what ways are our understandings of attraction shaped by cultural and economic backgrounds and circumstances?

Neela recalls that, “My in-laws told me to cook, to pray. It was my duty to complete all the household chores. I couldn't even say 'No.'” Two generations later, her grandson Rohan agrees that an essential part of being a wife is serving your husband’s family and not talking back to your in-laws. Archana sees these roles as immutable, and as a result, wants no part of marriage. What’s your view? Have gender roles in marriage changed? If so, in what ways? Are there any additional changes you’d like to see? What are the major sources of your beliefs about roles within a marriage?

Parents and Children

The film opens with the filmmaker on her way home for a visit. What does “going home” mean to you?

What did you learn from the film about accepting family for who they are, with all their imperfections? What are some of the very challenges embedded in this commitment to unconditional love and acceptance?

The filmmaker asks her parents and grandparents what they were like when they met and married. What would you want to ask your parents or grandparents?

Archana is surprised to find out that her mother is secretly a serious writer. Do you recall any moments when you discovered the person you knew as “mom” or “dad” had a life beyond being your parent – a life you didn’t really know about? How did the new information affect your relationship with them? What does this suggest about the relationship between the roles we are assigned and how they impact individuals’ identities?

The filmmaker says she doesn’t understand why her father might suspect she is a lesbian. How and why does sexuality get intertwined with resisting conformity to stereotypical female roles?

Elders and Aging

Mahdave remains at home, despite his failing health. How does that decision influence family dynamics? In what ways do caretaking responsibilities fall on women as compared with men in the household?

When Uncle Lali has a stroke, the family places him in a dedicated care facility, declaring that “More than his happiness we should be happy…It is our call not his call.” What factors would you consider in making decisions about late life care? Put yourself in the shoes of the elderly person, the primary caregiver, the adult child, grandchild, the professional staff. What do you think your preference would be and why? Who should have the power to decide?

How did the family’s financial resources influence the options available to them? In what ways are quality of care determined by economic status? What larger societal impacts does this have on individuals and families who can’t afford particular types of care?

Neela says she continues to care for her husband despite his abuse “for the sake of humanity.” What do you know about how dementia or other health problems amplify personality traits like irritability or aggression? What would you do to help caregivers in a situation like Neela’s to cope with the emotional impacts of caring for a sick loved one’s aggression?

Mahdave describes seeing very specific ghosts. Do you think this is meant to be taken literally or to be considered in a figurative sense? What might the filmmaker be trying to communicate by including a scene about ghosts, haunting, and connections to the past?

In the process of grief and grieving, why is it important to have rituals connected to memorializing those who are lost? What are some rituals that your community offers to honor the dead? What questions, thoughts, or feelings did you experience as you witnessed Madhave die at home?

Intergenerational Family Connections

In what ways would you describe the feeling of the Phadke family dynamics? Can you point to any filming or editing techniques that helped convey that feeling?

Where do you see evidence that this extended family is bound by love? What did you learn “about love” by being offered such an intimate glimpse into this family’s day-to-day life?

How are religion and ritual in the Phadke family like or unlike the roles they play your family today and/or the family you grew up in?

In what ways did Phadke family relationships illustrate the feminist maxim “the personal is political”?

What’s the significance of the television in the life of this family? How does it compare to the role of mainstream media in your family?

Maneesha’s Voice

Maneesha says, “When I am here, there is no time to think about myself.” She feels compelled by her roles as wife/mother/daughter to be vigilant about what everyone else is doing, so she can’t focus on her writing. In what ways do these roles and expectations limit her personal growth as a writer? In what ways do we see Maneesha’s strength, power, and creativity through her commitment to writing?

Maneesha treasures time by herself to write, explaining, “I'm just trying to listen to myself...That's when I think about what I want...It is my own world…None of you exist there.” How does art and creative practices allow us tap into our selves in unique ways? When and how do you take time to “listen to yourself”?

For Maneesha, writing is in part an antidote to the feeling that no one in the family listens to her or sees who she really is. How do you make yourself visible or heard? What are some strategies for inviting others to see us for who we feel we truly are?

Maneesha shares that she is writing a Radha-Krishna story that is about “my relationship with nature, religion, home and two women separated by time.” What do you think Maneesha’s story topics reveal about her? What might they reveal about women’s place in modern Hindu culture?

Spend some time with these excerpts from Maneesha’s writing. Go one by one and reflect on each passage as a community. What are some insights that her writing offers you, the reader/viewer? How is the personal reflected in this creative process? What are your takeaways from the story that Maneesha shares?

“Why do people fight? Loud noises and screaming scare me. I never understand what to do.

Sometimes I don't even understand the problem.

There was this strange tension for a while, and then everyone and everything went back to normal in the house. I went and sat at the edge of the well, yet I could not understand how to deal with the chaos in my mind. My opinion is never asked. Most people think I can't speak. That's how little I talk.

So, no one has ever questioned my silence. Only I exist in my world but there was always this other 'me' lurking around me. Amongst a web of relationships, this 'me' creates its own existence. True to self, true to its relationship with self, echoing "Yes you are the best." That is the real me.

As I peek over my terrace I watch this other me standing by the door, calling out to me. I can see it, flying with the birds soaring above me. Two sides of me—One tied down, one set free.”

At the end of the film, Maneesha shares a passage she has written about a butterfly: “There is no relation between this butterfly and me, and still it brings me happiness.” What do you think the butterfly represents? What might the butterfly teach Maneesha about love and joy?

Maneesha’s characters asks, “Will I ever find someone who will love me purely? A nameless love like Radha and Krishna?” What does “pure love” look like to you? Does it exist in real life, or only in the realm of deities or a writer’s imagination?

Closing Questions

At the end of your discussion, to help people synthesize what they’ve experienced and move the focus from dialogue to action steps, you may want to choose one of these questions:

If you could require one person (or one group of people) to view this film, who would it be? What do you hope their main takeaway would be?

What question(s) do you think the filmmaker was trying to answer? Do you think she found the answers she was looking for?

What did you learn from this film that you wish everyone knew? What would change if everyone knew it?

Complete this sentence: I am inspired by this film (or discussion) to __________.